Managing Grief And Surviving Loss: Part 1

First Steps in Dealing with Grief

One of the most well known studies on grief was published by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. (July 8, 1926 – August 24, 2004). Elizabeth was a Swiss-born psychiatrist, a pioneer in Near-death studies and the author of the groundbreaking book On Death and Dying (1969), where she first discussed what is now known as the Kübler-Ross model. In this work she proposed the now famous Five Stages of Grief as a pattern of adjustment. These five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In general, individuals experience most of these stages, though in no defined sequence, after being faced with the reality of their impending death. The five stages have since been adopted by many as applying to the survivors of a loved one’s death, as well. (Source:ekrfoundation.org)

Even though her work has its detractors, the model has been successfully applied in many cases with good results.

The phases of grief can be simply defined as:

1.    The Denial Phase— In this stage, the mourner adopts the attitude of “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
However, this is only a temporary phase and the is soon replaced by an acute awareness of the aftermath of the death of an individual.

2.    The Anger Phase — This is usually takes the form of  “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?”
In this stage the denial phase is rapidly replaced and the mourner can become implacable with irrational and misplaced anger, envy or jealousy directed towards those whose existence represents life or energy.

3.    The Bargaining Phase – In this phase, particularly when related to terminal illnesses, the individual will ‘negotiate’ an extended life with their chosen supreme being – offering to change their life in exchange for a postponement of their death.

4.    The  Depression Phase — A really difficult phase to deal with. If a person is dying it is at this point that they begin their disconnection process from their loved ones, if it is a loss situation, then the grief struck person really can’t see the point of going on without their loved one. It can involve a deep depression and lots of grieving and crying. It is not a time to try and cheer the person up, because it is a vital step in the grieving process.

5.    The Acceptance Phase — This is the final stage of the grieving process, where the griever finally comes to terms with their own or their loved-one’s mortality, finally accepting the inevitable fact that life does end.
Kübler-Ross claimed that these steps do not necessarily come in any specific order, and do not affect the sufferer the same way or indeed through all the steps, but Elizabeth did indicate that someone grieving will experience at least two of the phases as outlined above. She also stated that many people will experience phases in a roller-coaster effect, passing through and returning to several of the stages before the final acceptance phase is reached.
Because grief is such a personal process, there is no set timeline to pass through the phases and each person must work to their own timescale.

Many get stuck in the Denial phase and may need to seek professional help or joining grief counselling groups if they experience a long period in any particular phase.
Whether you are dealing with the grief yourself or acting as ‘support’ for someone who is moving through the process, it is important to identify the phase (or phases!) of the moment and know that you are not in a unique situation; the grief is a natural reaction to the occasion and can be worked through.

Also recognise that you can’t force the process; the phase will pass when the sufferer is ready to move on, but as previously mentioned, if there are problems being experienced by being stuck in a particular phase, you should seek professional guidance or support.

Next: Coping Strategies and Grief Management